i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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