MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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