Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
