She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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