If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
