My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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