if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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