my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
