you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
