I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
