Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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