I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
