she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
