ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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