hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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