You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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