I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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