guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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