I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
