you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
