My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
