Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
