I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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