I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize