So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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