With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
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I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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