genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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