mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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