Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
