but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
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She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
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High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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