Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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