The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
