Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
