You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
