so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You had me at "let me see your balls"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
