Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
