I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize