3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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