I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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