can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i wish my penis had a tongue
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
