Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
