I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
