ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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