When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
