Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
