She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
