I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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