Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
