evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You took a bar mat shot.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
