Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
