I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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