I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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