he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
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you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
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The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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