we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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