This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
