I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
